Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
