Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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