You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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