i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
