There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
a search helicopter?!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
