this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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