I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
