not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she peed on how many people?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
