two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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