Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
