i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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