Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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