i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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