I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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