if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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