were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
