Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
