he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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