we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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