dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
