3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
