I hate your face
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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