I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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