Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
