i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
