I faked an abortion last night.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
