I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
