FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
