I think I won the penis lottery.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
