I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
