I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
