Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
