im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
