no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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