Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
