Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
