i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
