Don't make out with my wife yet
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
