a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
