Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
