and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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