It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
