Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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