Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
