bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
