my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
