I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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