No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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