She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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