So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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