Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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